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HEY PEOPLE DRIVING IN SNOW, IF TRAFFIC'S REALLY BAD MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD AND TYPE IN A TWEET ABOUT IT, OK? 
P.M.S.= Pass my shotgun
Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.
I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever
If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.
I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.
MY girlfriend says I'm too immature for her. I'm still trying to figure out how she got past my force field.
Penguins mate once and stay together for life. All those failed relationships you had? Penguins are kicking your ass.
If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(
You'll never meet anyone who's quietly in training for a charity run
LOOK AT THIS GUY FLASHING HIS GANG SIGNS AT ME! Grandma please! He is deaf!
when a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason...theres a reason!!!
I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.
"Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,
My mom says it's her house, but when it's time to clean, it magically becomes my house, too.
I wish little plastic airline masks would drop from the ceiling when someone's ass loses cabin pressure.
going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.
I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife. 