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Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand! 
I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.
No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".
AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.
Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!
Ahh, Memorial Day. A day when we all stop working, start drinking and burn food in honor of our military who, coincidently, have to work…
Just curious and not really sure why people like goin to strip clubs...you realize you're paying a girl to pretend to be interested in you?... :)
To the dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.
too hot* blanket off *too cold* Put blanket on *too hot again* Stick on foot out…..perfect. *hears creepy noise* Sticks foot back in
If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet
Fellas: Your single, immature and still-virgin friends will call you weak, pu$$y whipped, and stupid when you choose to spend quality time with your girl. Just ignore them.
Some guys mess up and lose a good woman because they are so used to dealing with sluts that they have forgotten what it takes to keep a real woman.
And remember... if you see an onion ring... answer it.
FaceBook account for sale....Friends included!
Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food
Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right? 