Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.