Funny Status Messages

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.