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Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b**ch.Sincerely, The Titanic 
You can't put a price on happiness... However the bi-products Water, Pg&E, Internet, Clothes, Shoes, Movies, Food, Transportation, Travel.... You can put a price on.
I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore.
No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.
pondering why the kids can't give the silly rabbit just one bowl of trix, greedy little brats...
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Yoda's last name Lay-he-hoo?
Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse
Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing.
Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"
The only rabbit I like on Easter is the one that's plastic and vibrates
The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.
We had it all Just like Bogie and Bacall Sailing away to Key Largo Here's lookin' at you kid RIP
Last night I wore a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accused him of having an affair with Minnie until I was forcibly removed & arrested.
Wearing my PJ pants, slippers, and carrying a Walmart bag for Halloween this year. That's right, I'm a Walmart Shopper.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.
I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.
think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market. 