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Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing. 
Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"
The only rabbit I like on Easter is the one that's plastic and vibrates
The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.
We had it all Just like Bogie and Bacall Sailing away to Key Largo Here's lookin' at you kid RIP
Last night I wore a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accused him of having an affair with Minnie until I was forcibly removed & arrested.
Wearing my PJ pants, slippers, and carrying a Walmart bag for Halloween this year. That's right, I'm a Walmart Shopper.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.
I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.
think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars
Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Facebook is for entertainment. Nobody really cares about how sad and lonely you are, you better add some jokes on the end of that post
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine's Day.
Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work.
Son, your mother and I need to talk to you. We went through your room earlier and found....NO drugs OR p orn?! What are you some kind of nerd
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it's given me another reason to stare.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch. 