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So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear....its the fat that does that." So now I'm single again. 
My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.
The amount of time you've spent nagging, you could have blown me AND done the dishes, stupid.
I like my women like my coffee, all over my crotch while I'm driving.
I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.
My wife can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on but she remembers the picture of some girl I commented on 5 years ago.
Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure
I just saw a lady texting while driving. Do women have any idea how dangerous that is for the rest of us? Not the texting part, just them driving in general.
"when you listen to your Rice Krispies in reverse, you can hear the DEVIL telling you to steal Lucky's charms"
A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"
Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.
I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?!?”
It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c@ckroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!
I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.
These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games 