Funny Status Messages

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   just not that into you, Monday

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.