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Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse. 
I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."
One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.
"Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks
Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment
Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist
I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes
I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!
Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.
Happy Confused Camel Day!!
"It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.
I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.
I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't
they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
You can never go wrong with medieval technology.
It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...
Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her
I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself. 