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I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken. 
ME: "Hello, Front Desk, Can I get a wakeup call please?" FRONT DESK: "You're 37, unemployed, single, and haven't saved a penny for retirement" ME: "Thanks"
Twitter..the Walmart of social media.
Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.
I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.
The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.
If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.
Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.
*feeling chest pain* probably need more pie
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place 