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I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old. 
Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun
I see the FB privacy hoax is back again. This should be a fun night
Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""
I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...
Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.
I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.
ME: "Hello, Front Desk, Can I get a wakeup call please?" FRONT DESK: "You're 37, unemployed, single, and haven't saved a penny for retirement" ME: "Thanks"
Twitter..the Walmart of social media.
Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.
I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.
If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting. 