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From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch 
If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
When you realize winter is still 5 week away!
I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.
Today is one of those days where I wonder where it all went wrong. Then I realize it's never been right.
Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.
Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...
Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.
Don't want to say I had a crazy year but Rob Zombie is asking for the rights to direct my Facebook movie.
My ex girlfriend's facebook movie is already in the buy one get one free bin at the adult movie store.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.
X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars
Don't fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
You look like the type of person that takes a Facebook quiz to find out what Flower or Celebrity you are.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill
I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything 