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Women who are addicted to sex are called nymphomaniacs, men who are addicted to sex are called man 
what do we want? "a cure for obesity !" when do we want it? "after dinner!"
I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."
Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.
A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.
If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.
I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it
I could eat a bowl of Alphabet soup and poop out a better arguement!
I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off
Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy
I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving
Of all the lies I've told in my life, "just kidding" is probably my favorite..
If you Happy and you know it thank your ex
It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen
Shouldn't CBS withhold episodes of NCIS and NCIS-LA for the duration of the federal shutdown? 