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Apparently Monica Lewinsky can never be a doctor because she sucked as an intern. 
I hope 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness, 52 Weeks of Fun, 365 Days of Success, 8,760 Hours of Good Health, 525,600 Minutes of Gods Favor, and 31,536,000 Seconds of Joy!
wants to know that if god didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will....
If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"
just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)
Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.
I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!
Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Shes great on the piano but she sucks on the organ lol
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."
The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained
Any man can admire your frame but a real man will admire the masterpiece within the frame.
From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.
Come to think of it, the sinking of the Titanic was probably viewed as a miracle by the lobsters in the kitchen. 