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It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality. 
Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!
Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
What happened o the NFL? It used to be the greatest game. Now every receiver that goes out for a pass and is breathed on starts waving his hands for a flag like a big cry baby....this game is falling apart just like this country
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”
Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
I guess Black Friday started early in Ferguson
Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.
“ea” 69 for midgets?
If you've ever seen a woman masturbate, it's odd they're not better at video games.
On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....
You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish
I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.
Paula Deen dropped by Food Network for racial slurs.. she has no one to blame butter self...
The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?
Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave. 