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Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza. 
Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'
the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.
Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.
Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.
Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!
I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.
Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"
This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.
Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.
Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.
I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.
My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"
I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."
Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity 3, Shooting, Bomb Attacks, or Failing a Class is scarier then 5 missed calls from Mom. 