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Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend. 
Today's brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.
I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'
the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.
Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.
Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.
Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!
I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.
Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"
This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life. 