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Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess? 
you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"
Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.
"We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.
doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active
Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.
I am so old I still have stuff written MADE IN USA.
I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Women are simply incredible, magnificent, alluring creatures. Why they're all not lesbians is beyond me.
Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.
My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.
Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.
Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-
Im worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.
Karma takes too long ..... I'd rather beat the sh%t out of you.
You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..
My old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. I hought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause. 