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I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car. 
And Eli Manning smiles quietly to himself. Knowing he will be the Manning with the most Super Bowl wins
My girlfriend said she wanted us to have a fairytale romance. So I poisoned her apple.
LOOKING to hire someone full-time to take pictures of my food. Private message me if interested.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5
One would think if you can fly a freaking Starship you could fly a World War 2 vintage plane?
Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...
I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.
Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt
I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.
Remember the old days when people screwed up their relationships naturally, without the help of the Internet? Those were good times.
Why don't you go buy a diary Instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?
The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.
I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.
sleepy, wish I was a air traffic controler so I can catch up on my rest...
If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........
World Population Rank: 1.China 2.India 3.Facebook 4.USA 5.MySpace 6.Indonesia 7.Brazil 8.Twitter
Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body. 