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.What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later? 
Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.
Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...
I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Dear radio and TV stations. There's a 100% likelihood I'm changing the station the second I hear a car commercial.
that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.
So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.
After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.
So true the Republicans waited until the black guy dropped out the Presidential race before they started comparing genital sizes...
I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of
Ladies no amount of alcohol should ever make you go barefoot in the club. You are not Wilma Flintstone
I'm working on my 2014 New Year's Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, "Express order" workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd "Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price" 