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when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay 
I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green". In retrospect, that's a good place to stand from now on
thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.
This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said
tried living every day as if it was his last, but all that did was ruin his credit.
If sugar cookies are made with sugar, chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate chips, what are Girl Scout cookies made with?
A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a really raunchy fart.
Even Heaven has a Wall .... a Gate ..... and Extreme Vetting to get in .....
Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"
You know.. I would call you a tool, but even THEY have a purpose.
Cigarettes take 50 years to kill you. I'm more worried about the stuff that does it quickly like sharks, lightning, women or flamethrowers.
''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.
Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.
I heard Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian never really got into high school. Which is not surprising as to why a lot of dudes got into them.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol 