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Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night. 
It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.
I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!
Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.
I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.
The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.
If I can buy magnum condoms with a straight face, I can beat any polygraph test.
Compared with what normally comes out of Justin Bieber's mouth, I'd say vomit was probably the highlight of the concert.
For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.
i had a sexy cashier tonight at the store....it was self check-out
Where do I find these Binders full of women..............
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I'm a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.
The only charities I've donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
If someone steals your identity you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
My car horn sounds like I'm angrily squeezing a bath toy. Definitely NOT the effect I am going for when I get cut off.
What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding? 