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I've decided to quit drinking! Instead I'm peeling the labels off my beer sticking them to my forehead and telling everyone I'm on the patch 
Karma means I can sleep at night, knowing that everyone I mistreated today had it coming!
I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.
it looks like a clown threw up on Lady Ga Ga's face
All this makeup is hiding how certain girls really look. Smokey eyes , thick ass eyebrows. Gotta take these girls swimming on the first date
Football officially starts its regular Sunday rotation tomorrow. So ladies, if there's anything that you wanna say to your husband, today's the day!
Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying basta?ds!
Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!
I hope Walmart isn't out of winter white flipflops...
A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.
A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.
Today's the perfect day for ribs and Salsa music.
Samuel L. Jackson knows he can turn down movies, right?
I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.
"I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.
Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."
Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable. 