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I'm only sitting in the back of this police car for the free donuts. 
Me: I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.
Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference
maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...
My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"
No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.
I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious 'hold my drink' moments for 50 years...
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
"Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue
Thought I was doing jello shots at a ugly sweater party, turned out to be Bill Cosby's house
Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.
I think the hands of time have been molesting me.
trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees.
we shoot off Chinese fireworks to celebrate our freedom from the British 