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Would love to grab one of those San Fran NFC Championship T-shirts before they're shipped to Uganda. 
For guys, Valentines day is yet another lets-give-it-a-shot-at-having-sex-with-her day.
I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!
it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.
The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka
Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.
seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???
Judging by this frying pan that just flew by my head I did something wrong, I can't wait to find out what it is.
When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!
How to make a Wiz Khalifa song. •Say uhhh • Say something about weed(like 20 times) • Say you're reppin Taylor Gang.
Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.
It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.
I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out
Logging into Facebook at work is like touching art at a museum: I can't help myself.
If attitude was a tool I'd be a weapon of mass destruction, or at least a butter knife.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
thinks Toyota built the Staten Island Ferry.
“We don't stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing”
Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught 