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Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire. 
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.
Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.
I'm so happy Leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter.
The older I get, the harder it is to hold in my sigh
I'm not here to fix your problems, i'm here to set an example of what happens when your problems don't get fixed.
Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.
Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends
Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.
Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work
The chances of me going to a party increases 100% if they have a dog.
Pro tip: Guys, always be Frank with your sex partners. After all, you really don't want them to know your real name.
*Eats one piece of popcorn* *Gets 280 kernels stuck in teeth*
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that's a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
This all started when I told her to prove it.
Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.
Why isn't a group of squid called a squad?
My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people
Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked. 