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I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40. 
Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men
That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...
if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"
Come on snooze button, is 5 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.
If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.
Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.
I'm OCD but I worry that I'm not OCD enough.
I really like what you've done with your crazy.
Your selfie needs more paper bag.
It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops.
Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.
Hope you're feeling OK after being sexually violated by Miley Cyrus last night.
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine. 