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Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one 
When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes
nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
I'm so old, I grew up in an era where your 3D was a View Masters and you sit in the living room clickin about 15 slides. There's your Movie in HD and 3D!!!
"Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker
Titty Bars are the male version of window shopping.... You can't afford what you are looking at, but you sure can see yourself in it!
My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.
It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn't ask my parents.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!
You know who was hurt the most in this whole ordeal by name association alone... the residents of Sandusky, Ohio... And the American workers at Callahan Auto... they make the best parts money can buy...
I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.
I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.
I like to fart while am changing gears
Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.
The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole
Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it. 