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I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one. 
I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATMs with Braille were located on the passenger side.
"Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Ladies, they're called "Skinny Jeans." Not "Makes You Skinny Jeans."
sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry
The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer.
I was invited to take part in a flash mob. Showed up in just my trenchcoat. Now I'm disappointed.
Illinois Governor Quinn has declared a state of disaster for Illinois.... It's been a disaster for a long time......
If a Chinese student knows more English than you do in terms of punctuation and grammar....you're screwed.
Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.
Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.
The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They've both been replaced.... By camera phones and bathrooms.
Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up
A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.
Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!
Midnight bathroom trip...eyes forward, avoid mirrors, happy thoughts.
Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not. 