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I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change. 
Easter chocolate tastes so much better than normal chocolate...
Just remember even though it is Earth Day, you should not tie yourself to any trees a bear might come by and eat you, one of the many things I have learned from 1,000 Ways to Die
Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.
People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.
Sometimes standing for what you believe in means that you have to sacrifice temporarily for the greater good. It's amazing how quickly peoples "values" change when their personal comfort level is threatened
Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.
Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin
I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"
Lord, give me patience or a really good lawyer.
I'm not drunk, I'm just trying to walk like Jack Sparrow.
FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
It's a well known fact... buying cheap toilet-paper can lead to a self violation.
The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain
Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure
Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!
Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know 