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nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed. 
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!
Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.
While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..
You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?
So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?
If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.
Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?
Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.
Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!
I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens?
That's 12 months of training gone to waste!
It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.
Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny. 