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Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart, drunk or high? 
People who say "like a boss" obviously don’t know what they are talking about because a typical boss does things half assed and incorrectly, only to turn around and blame others.
St. Patrick Pro Tip: Clean your toilet now!! You may be face down in it later........
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I'm going to assume that's your smart car parked outside.
My girlfriend wanted a serious relationship. Now we don't smile at each other.
It's time for "Team America 2" to be released featuring Kim Jong Un...
I never make the same mistake twice.... Dozens, maybe hundreds of times-but never twice.
When does the Brazilian Pole Dancing Team come on?
Meteorology: The Exact Science Of Guesswork
Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definately let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.
If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.
Never sure if a girl is hot or just that her massive sunglasses are blocking her face.
Of all the people I turn down for sex, I think my husband’s my favorite
thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?
has been kidnapped by her bed, don't worry - should be able to break free in the morning ;)
You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.
I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.
Sometimes, whenever I eat m&ms, I like to hold two m&ms between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one the didn't crack is deemed the champion. I grab another m&m and force - Read Comments for the rest
I ain't been around the world yet...... But I've been around the sun 24 times
That's a nice suit. When did the clown die? 