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I can't get the cork off my dinner. 
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Why isn’t the movie ‘What Women Want’ just 90 minutes of Ryan Gosling doing an ab workout on a pile of Nutella and money?
Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.
I have a dream that one day I won't have to work on MLK Day.
Spock inspired many a latina to shave their eyebrows and draw on freaky ones.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT
I'll have what she's shaving.
OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?
Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page.
Sex is like school .. you miss a period & you're in trouble.
I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m
Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out...
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.
First rule of Alzheimer's club:
If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that illegal gambling or prostitution?
Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.
I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe. 