Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?" 
My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me
If you drive under the speed limit then yes you are boring
You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......
At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? 'Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.' And your strengths? 'I'm Superwoman!'
Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.
If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.
You're uglier than..... well, you're the example.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.
Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.
It's time for my weekly game of, "Let's see how long I can drive with my gas light on."
The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played
Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.
I'm not "sitting alone at the bar," I'm a happy hour "first responder."
It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.
Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.
Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."
Instagram has added video support. Now I get to watch a video of people eating their food!!! 