Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
How Do People Know Dinosaurs Roared If Nobody Ever Heard One?!,...Maybe, They Meowed 
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.
As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God
Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.
Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.
Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.
If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.
I have been looking since 1986, and I still haven't found a highway to a danger zone.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”
Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?
If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?
You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."
Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.
Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.
A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.
I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as. 