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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid. 
The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.
Happy father day to the men in our lives that have made a diffrence when we didnt have one to be there.., our uncles, brothers, grandfathers teachers bosses,step dads...you didnt have to be there, but we were all grateful you were.
An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...
If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."
One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.
FACT: Every woman got a girlfriend that they don't trust around their man.
Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.
My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”
How many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare , just so you can roll over and punch them in the head??
just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a saucepan in the kitchen ..... it's a damn sick world we live in. ....... What the hell was he doing in the kitchen
gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.
You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.
The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.
Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.
You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a b!tch"
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.
I love finding money in my clothes…..its like a gift from me.. to me.
I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins. 