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One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, “son, move over.” 
he often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Next time the bully asks you for your lunch money, tell him you left it on his mother's dresser.
Any female who tells you she don't suck d*ck is lying; she just ain't sucking your d*ck.
A female friend of mine said "single people can get sex whenever they want. I told her thats half true, a single woman can get sex anytime she wants. A single guy can only if he lowers his standards and ups his weight limit.
I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I am alive because i'ma a fighter. I am wise because i've been foolish. and I've laughed because i've known sadness.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
wants to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off!!!
the problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."
on the first date, don't let on that the cost of the meal worries you.
Hun, your jerk boyfriend is like a bottle of sour milk in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the milk to see if it's better; why do you think that if you give him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy?
Redneck turkey timer: add a handfull of unpopped popcorn to your stuffing... when his ass blows off he's done!
This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
Dear students, I know when you`re texting. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, teacher.
hates it when I post something here that I read on someone elses facebook page only to find out that they read this stuff too!!!
Jamaican GPS' would be soo great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”
Ummm,,,,Why do all these old bands keep copying glee songs?
NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE OF ETHICS: 1.) When arguing with a hooker in the hotel hallway, Use your "Inside" voice. 2.) You're only allowed to jump on a prostitute if you hear her ticking. 3.) Proudly display the U.S. Flag, But NOT the pole.
well, I was going to Google something.. but ended up playing the electric piano instead. Thanks Google."
Just tied a vegan to the train tracks with rope made of Slim Jims. Now we wait. 