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I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make. 
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
i dont care if my teammates are straight or gay, as long as they dont listen to Nickelback...
If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!
I have a confession: All of my posts are stolen word-for-word from the repair manual for the 1974 Oldsmobile Cutlass...
Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.
You can love your country without having to love your government.
Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."
I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.
my girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself another girlfriend
Have you ever said goodbye to someone before a long trip or even to leave somewhere for good, but you end up having to come back moments later for something you forgot? Does it make the original goodbye lose all of its sentimental value? Just wondering...
The guy who named the Iceland volcano "Eyjafjallajokull" must have fallen asleep on his keyboard
Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.
You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I test drove a BMW and much to my surprise,,, ALL the blinkers worked!................ Explain that,, All you owners
Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.
I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.
Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum
Ladies, when you expect a guy 2 be completely honest with u, I laugh. you women wear heels- UR not that tall, you wear makeup- you don't look like that, you color you hair- UR not a blonde. Everything about you is a lie & you expect a man to tell you the
I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo. 