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There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror. 
You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...
They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.
You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.
The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm
News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls.
I don't "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...
I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!
washing her laundry does not count as making her panties wet.
Anyone else wonder what happens to Oscar on trash day?
Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.
Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.
My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.
I'm saving myself for prison.
Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean. 