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Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return. 
Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.
i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend
If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.
Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.
If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.
""when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""
Well I guess Caitlyn Jenner missed out on both Mother and Father's Day this year....
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that.
Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...
D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.
A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row
These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with 