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I like to walk around my house naked... Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside. 
It's always awkward when you run into your ex with a car.
came to work naked today because, yesterday my boss yelled: "I wanna see your a$$ in here by 8:00!"
misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.
Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.
Friend Requests are like a box of chocolate... you never know which are the nuts
If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
Up against my facebook wall and spread em!
wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it.
Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.
Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.
I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.
Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible
What kind of Leader says and does nothing about Nation Wide Riots?
Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"
In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees. 