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Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments. 
If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."
Funny how people seem to call when I'm away from my desk. It's probably because I walk away from my desk when the phone rings.
stopped paying on a storage unit full of empty boxes marked grandmas secret stash..let the auctions begin
Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.
Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.
thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi
I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.
Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.
I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out * Hmmm... * apologizes to the dryer *
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
She died doing what she loved. Taking a car selfie.
She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?
Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!
Travelocity search: "Ferguson" other people who have searched Ferguson have searched Beirut, Kabul, and Detroit.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.
I have laughed more at the Broncos offense then I have at the commercials. 