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My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV. 
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny
Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!
I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.
what do you call a man who has everything and nothing at the same time? Married!
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.
I look at my milk carton in the fridge and it read "Feb 14". Even my milk has a Valentine's date and I don't.
Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..
We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?
That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...
Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?
dont you hate it when your having a good day and then a human being tries to talk to you?
Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.
Am I the only person who feels like Christmas didn't even happen?
I can't believe I missed the season finale of the US Gov't last night!!
Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.
Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.
Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now. 