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If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip. 
I look at my milk carton in the fridge and it read "Feb 14". Even my milk has a Valentine's date and I don't.
Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..
We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?
That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...
Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?
dont you hate it when your having a good day and then a human being tries to talk to you?
Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.
Am I the only person who feels like Christmas didn't even happen?
I can't believe I missed the season finale of the US Gov't last night!!
Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.
Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.
Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own Facebook Page.
I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....
If the POS dont represent islam, then the POS doesnt represent gun owners either dumba$$
..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?
For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!! 