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I'm terribly sorry, but I just don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes so I'm just going to stand here and judge you instead. 
Second star to the right and straight on 'tilll morning! Rip Spock!!
My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.
This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.
Floyd Mayweather has revealed that his secret to his win over Manny Pacquiao was tips from Usain Bolt!
Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.
Just got done with my Performance Appraisal and its pretty clear that my boss is clueless to the difference between a 'debacle' and a 'fiasco'.
I get along best with people who don't get along with people.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...
My resume is just a folded up death threat.
It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent
I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans
X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I
Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!
Bowl cuts will never go out of style. Unless they somehow become stylish first.
Pessimists see the Glass as Half Empty, Optmisits as Half Full. Rationals see the Glass as two times bigger than necessary.
after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race. 