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I absolutely hate when people pull onto a highway goin 5mph! Don't be surprised when you have a Ford symbol embedded in the back of your trunk a$$hole! 
so we took a poll. and just as I suspected, nobody likes you
My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...
Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.
The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.
Whenever I have a dream about someone, It's always awkward seeing them the next day.
Looking for a dog house !! Must be at least 6' 2" long : (
not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.
Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'
I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it
Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.
They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.
Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.
Worst Passwords of 2011 : "kimswedding" ... Too short & not strong enough.
You Know They Cheating on you when the expiration date on the condoms you left magically changes from 7/2012 to 9/2013
It'd be interesting to see statistics of your life after you die. Like, what joke you found the funniest, how many times you smiled, how many times you laughed, how many times you lied, or how many people you loved.
Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!
So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...
Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire. 