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BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake account mocking the oil company. Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean. 
If you can get one person to smile then your day was worth while.............
I think the dentist is mad at me. She came back into the office and was like, "I know I said get comfortable, but I'm gonna need you to put your pants back on." Well I'm gonna need you to be a bit more specific next time!
Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
The problem with your face is that it looks like you.
I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.
Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?
The best feeling i've ever had is making someone laugh after crying
Sometimes I hear music so bad that I think the government should also enforce a five-day waiting period for buying a guitar.
I see ur playing hard to get, now watch me play walk away.
making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.
Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up
We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
God Bless the Chilian miners and there familes for going through tough times!!
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Whenever I hear a woman say, "I dont need a man" ...all I hear is, "I cant get a man"
Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!
If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..
I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes 