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Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers. 
Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.
I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
*beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)
Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”
I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.
Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.
Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.
Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.
Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.
Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.
How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.
Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo. 