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Ugly people: Don't play hard to get, you're already hard to want. 
Mummy I'm 16, Can I wear a bra? ..... No Justin.
my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"
i renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a w*ore...
I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer
How are girls hard to understand? We like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, disney movies, yoga pants,and shopping
Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.
WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
If today were a fish, I'd throw it back.
Those cheap-ass pencils with erasers that fu*k up the paper more than the mistake you want to erase.
Whale watching outside of Walmart.
Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.
Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!
I've just come up with a status so hilarious that reading it will make you laugh so hard that you'll crack a rib, which will then puncture your lungs and then you'll die. I just can't risk it. I'm sorry, but you'll have to make do with this one instead.
In dog beers, I've only had one.
What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.
just had the new Doritos taco........, but I still don't get the ad where they drive 900 miles to buy one. Why not just buy a bag of Doritos and pour yard waste in it?
I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year. 