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Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. 
Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.
I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.
"If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.
It's easy for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if its been though a blender first....
"Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.
What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?
Happy Cinco de Mayo! Viva Tequila!! Just cause me and Mr. Cuervo don't always get along, doesn't me we won't be Tangoing the night away! Fiesta !!!
wondering how gas prices go UP after a hurricane, but go DOWN when there is oil leaking all ove the Gulf Of Mexico?
I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! Nope, it's just not working...
A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.
you know your getting older when your underwear creeps up on you... and you kinda enjoy it...
LIFE; It's one damned thing after another
Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.
How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?
..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.
a single father of about 4 million kids swimming around fighting to make it to their mother's egg
You know when you are on Facebook too much when you get your paycheck after taxes then you put "dislike" on it.
Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people. 