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thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn 
Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.
Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I wonder if Halloween is like a night off for prostitutes, since so many women are dressed like that, who can tell who's the real deal?
Do you realize that in about 40-50 years, nursing homes will be filled with old ladies with tramp stamps over their butts? I don't want to even think about the piercings.
Do I got stupid written on my wall..
it just me or does anyone else translate the sticker "Student Driver" as "Please Screw With Me"...??????
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Does anyone know when the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony is set for Ferguson this year?
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
It's scary how your life is based on how well you do as a teenager
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom why did you put your window at the same height as my ladder?
She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.
Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back... 