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Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still? 
Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.
what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today.
It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old.
I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019.
Good thing they dug it up when they did.
The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.
Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Due to the election I may start a moving co.
Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.
A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?
Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss
Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...
i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice 