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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater. 
If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday
I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.
Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?
Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...
Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.
what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today.
It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old.
I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019.
Good thing they dug it up when they did.
The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.
Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..
My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us." 