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Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me. 
If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.
Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.
Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothin'.
Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.
I've been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.
it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.
Compromising with a woman doesn't mean you are wrong and she is right.. . it only means that Sex is more important than your Ego
The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.
I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention
They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.
Cactuses are just angry pickles.
Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.
I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...
My futon might pull out, but I don't!
My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.
When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe
I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 