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Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard. 
Since the world is going to end next December instead of saying happy new year, I'm going to say happy last year!
If my doctor ever tells me I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, at least I'll know how I'm going to die.
Gee honey, I would have taken the trash out.. But I slipped and fell into the lifeboat..
3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?
Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.
The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.
I'm more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.
There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.
The only thing more humiliating than taking a dump at your boyfriends house is asking him where the plunger is…
Happy 237th birthday Marines!
I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
So when are Yankee fans allowed to hate Red Sox fans again?
I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.
Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.
Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'
Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.
I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.
You know what? Some countries used to SCREEN applicants who were applying for citizenship, and wouldn't allow those who had even the SLIGHTEST ties to extremist groups ENTRY into their lands. 