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Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking. 
We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.
Dear Bed, I love you.
I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."
hates it when the doctor tells me I'm going to feel a slight sensation... *shudder*
Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.
I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.
if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen
everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."
I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.
Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...
Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Can't we just b friends????....a consolation prize for all those wasted years
I hate to see my food go to waist.
There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .
Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.
It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes. 